I am feeling extraordinarily down. 1,000 people are pulling me in different directions and I don't know how to say no anymore - someone is always upset. Right now, for example, I am supposed to be, literally, in 4 different places. I agreed to go to one, said I might go to the other two, and the fourth one is more important than all of them but I only heard about it an hour ago so I couldn't change plans. No matter what I do right now several people will be pissed at me. And normally I'm the one who's pissed so what's the deal with that?

And I am realizing that I am famous, kind of. Because I'm on TV and in magazines and in movies. Because a girl approached me yesterday calling me by my first name and after I confusedly said hi and exchanged polite kisses on the cheek, she admitted she didn't really know me but she saw me in this magazine and remembered me from a movie I did last year. That's freaky.

So this is probably why I get a million calls for gigs and I can't do all of them. But no calls from my friends because I never have time for them. Putting them second has been great for my career but I feel very sucky at this moment. My best friend wouldn't even take my calls today. Damn.

I'm going to eat something and go shower. I'm already late for this appearance I'm supposed to make. They'll wait though. Tonight, they will be the only ones pleased with me, and I am determined to enjoy their smiles.

I know it's been a while since I have posted. The thing is, I think I have to change the name of this blog. Turn it completely inside out.
 
You see, a number of amazing coincidences have been happening and I can't explain them at all. Good coincidences. Butt-saving coincidences. Over and over again. Daily. It's like, I have angels watching over me. Or more specifically, one angel.
 
I didn't post it in my blog because it was too painful, but I had written a commment to Reni (see "This is Not the Life I Ordered" on my Blogs I Like List) several weeks back, about someone close to me who passed away a couple of months ago, and now, it seems, he has been helping me.
 
Now I know what you're thinking. That my thinking is the product of an over-active imagination and grief; a desperate attempt to find meaning in life's calamities, but no, I must insist otherwise. This person, my beloved relative and friend, is helping me from the other side. I know this, because ever since he's been gone, and with increasing rapidity as time goes by, I have had the very best luck I have ever had in my entire life.
 
I will try, in the next few days/weeks/months, to begin to chronicle these instances both as they happen, and as I remember them from the past few months, so that all of you can see what I mean. You can judge me crazy if you want to, but at the very least, I know you'll judge me lucky.
 
Let's start with today, because the occurences have been small and I find them easy to relay:
 
First, here's some background: I have a photoshoot for a major print campaign coming up (billboards to be exact) for which I have been going over contracts with my agent the past couple of days. One of the issues in contention was the fact that my agent actually LOST me money on my contract (it was downgraded) because he told them I can do my own hair and makeup. Now that's crazy, because talent that can do self-styling is actually both a time-saver and a guarantee that they will look their best, so I should be making more, not less money, because of it. You still have to have a stylist on hand though, for touch-ups, that's standard. But oddly enough, now not only did they decrease my pay, but they won't even have anyone on hand for touch-ups and it's a 12-hour shoot in 90 degree weather!
 
Okay, so now that the background situation has been established, here comes unusual & lucky occurence #1: My agent mysteriously gives me the client's number to call them and "discuss details" - he has never done this before, and it is a dangerous thing for him, because I haven't signed anything yet, and could eaily go behind his back. But he gives me the number anyway, and I call them.
 
Lucky occurence #2: Conversation with the client goes well and I see fit to bring up the money and stylist issue. Even though they had given my agent a hard time over the exact same issue, they don't even hesitate and immediately agree to give me the extra money back, and additionally, let me hire my own stylist with it (so now I even get to pick my stylist).
 
But then I make several phone calls and almost everyone is booked. Time is running out; flights have to be booked, and finally this one stylist whom I particularly like calls me back and says, "Sorry, I'm on vacation that week and can't do it." I am crestfallen.
 
Lucky occurence #3: Just as I am about to hang up the phone, I think to myself, There has GOT to be a way, and suddenly she asks nonchalantly, where is the shoot anyway? I tell her it is just outside Hollywood and she says, "Well what do you know? I'm atually going to be vacationing in LA." So, now, at the last minute, despite the fact that it is too late to book a reasonably priced flight for her, and the fact that she was actually supposed to be busy that week, and the fact that flying her out there plus her day rate would cost me nearly all the money I had negotiated back, I got my stylist, my favorite one, and I don't even have to fly her out because SHE'LL ALREADY BE THERE. So I make more money, have my favorite sylist on hand, and everything goes smooooooooth.
 
Yeah, I know, it's just good luck, you say. But I never had luck like this. Oh, and did I mention that the shoot pays about 15 times more (yes I said 15!) than ANY shoot I have EVER been contracted to do in my entire life? Put it this way, this shoot will pay my rent for the next 3 years. Literally. And I won't even talk about the exposure, which will be phenomenal. Now tell me, why, oh why, would I suddenly book such a great gig so very far beyond anything I had done before, if not for an angel on my side?
 
I have to go now but I will write again to outline all the other amazing things that have happened to me over the past few months and see if I don't have you all believing in the love and assistance of our passed loved ones before I'm through.
 
Take care fellow bloggers and be well,
 
~ Miss ...Bliss

I am so messed up right now. (Of course I am, otherwise why would I be blogging? lol). Actually, I am supposed to be at a shoot at this very moment. Supposed to be flashing that smile and introducing the latest whatever-it-is to the masses. A paid infomercial. Good money. So why am I sitting on the edge of my bed in my birthday suit typing on my laptop?

Because I am messed up.

It's one of those crappy uffed-up kill-me-mow days and it's got a freaking death grip on me. It's as though all those times people have asked me, "Wow how do you do it all - the traveling, the 7-day work weeks, the non-stop smile and energy and poise?" and all those times I answered with a wink and a grin and an innocent shrug - all those times came back to haunt me and laugh "Ha! You CAN'T do it all; you CAN'T keep up this pace! Just lay down and give up!" And today, at last, I did. I woke up this morning, exhausted, and just turned over and went right back to sleep.

And I didn't call my manager. And I didn't call the director. I didn't even pick up the phone as it lay ringing and ringing, pleading me to come back to the land of the living. I was just so freaking TIRED. I was just so freaking sick of it all.

And do you know what's the worst thing? The worst thing, is not this hectic pace, is not the sleepless nights or red-eye flights or having to smile and put up with people's bullsh*t on set, no. The worst thing, is OTHER people's doubts! I really do think that's what cut me down this time. I really do think that THAT is what set me over the edge this morning. I woke up, not any less rested than I ever do, not particularly dreading today's gig, not even late or unprepared or any such thing. It was just that, today, when I woke up, the first thing I thought about, the first thing that crossed my bleary half-asleep mind, was something that the set coordinator said last night after yesterday's photoshoot. An off-hand comment that probably was born more out of jealousy or trying to get into my pants than anything else, but a comment which stuck in my mind nonetheless:

"Are you sure you don't want to come out with us for a little while? I know you have another shoot tomorrow but you never hang out with us - You don't have a boyfriend, do you? Don't you get lonely just working all the time?"

He was cute, and young, so I grabbed his hand and looked pointedly at his pants and said "Of course I get lonely, but SOMEONE has to stay focused around here." I admit, it was difficult letting go of his hand and letting him leave.

And this morning, I woke up, I saw the empty expanse of bed next to me, realized there COULD have been someone there if only I'd take a break long enough to get to know someone, and suddenly it wasn't worth it to get up anymore. Instead I went back to dreamland, where I have all the time in world to goof off, and every time I meet a cool guy, he doesn't say "Hey, aren't you that actress/model from that commercial/magazine/calendar?" You see, in my dreams, I get to be a person again.

Yeah I know no one feels sorry for me. Hehe, come to think of it, even I don't feel sorry for me. I mean, every day brings me closer to having everything I wanted; that should be more than enough. And it is, really. I just wish that other people were as focused as I am so that I wouldn't have to hear those little doubting words that are always thrown at me to throw me off. It's true that I get lonely and that I have no time for "myself" (whatever that is -- I think I've forgotten lol), but honestly, it's a labor of love and I wouldn't be working so hard if I didn't enjoy it.

I mean, hanging out, dating, socializing - it's all like chocolate - indulge yourself too often, and before you know it, you're addicted and can think of nothing else. But conversely, if you just go cold-turkey, and put those things out of your mind, you find that you need them less and less, and that the occasional morsel is sufficient to sustain you for longer and longer periods of time. You put the energy that you used to put into these frivolous activities, and re-direct it into something bigger, something glorious, and in the end, when you finally "arrive" where you need to be, you find that there's still oodles and oodles of people out there just waiting to make your acquaintance. Unlike opportunity, which only knocks once, there are so many billions of people in the world, there's always a chance to meet someone new.

Okay, so I am going to go and check my voicemail now. I do believe I have talked myself into believing in my choices once again. Which is a good thing, because if I call my manager now, I can probably still salvage my reputation as a responsible actress, if not this particular gig. And some people say blogging is a waste of time ;-)

Oh, and P.S., shout-out to Big Chris I got your messages dude - thanks for the well-wishes! Muah!

~ Miss Pissed

Oh hmmm I haven't been here in a while have I? Oh darn must be because I haven't had enough to complain about.

Actually I rather miss ranting.

Well I'm sure someone irritating will come along shortly to remedy that, eh?

Until then blog-of-mine,

Miss Pissed

No attempt at being even remotely clever or comprehensible today. Prose is too difficult and too mundane. I'm taking it back to when I was a 13 year old ridden with angst. Yeah.

------
The pain is real
Flesh eaten
Body drifting
Unearthing the soul from its cold grave.

I know what is true;
My eyes clouded with the false,
Can't hear,
Can't speak;
Seclusion. Delusion.

How many times shall I taste these thoughts?
Let their rawness flake off down the back of my throat,
Choking innocence?

When does the nightmare end
And the day begin?
Thrashing, Gnashing,
Hope expires before the dawn.

So this is where you are discovered,
Coveted One,
Sly sneaking sagacious
Wretch.

You've left me too many times
This night,
And now,

...I don't want you any more.
--------

Then again, maybe a few clear words of prose ARE in order:

I'll be in LA again in a few days. It's supposed to be good news, you know, career stuff, big meetings, big people. So why does it depress the Hell out of me? ....Oh, yeah, I forgot: Because no one here is gonna miss me when I'm gone. There goes the big actress with her big bad self. All spectacular. And ALL alone. You'd think that the director I slept with last night would at least call me to wish me a good trip (which I KNOW he won't). But then, one doesn't sleep with directors for emotional gratification, does one? Hahahahaha Jesus am I a sad little wench this evening. Looking back, as much as I despised being a common girl in a common life, I still miss the commonality of human sentiment. Even my whiny ex-boyfriend takes on a rosy tint in comparison with the silence of here, NOW.

In fact, I do believe that I am turning into a whiner myself: "Please just let the phone ring," I think fervently into the air. It's almost one in the morning -- No business is done now, and that's all I'm left with these days: business. So who's gonna call me at this hour? "God, just a wrong number, ANYthing." LOL well this is what I get. I probably should just go practice my lines for my upcoming movie, or something. Yeah. Or did I sex up that dude last night for nothing? Gotta learn my damn lines. Gotta function. Gotta work, can't stop to be sad, it's all I have. It's all I wanted, right? All I wanted and I have it so what's the freaking problem? Damn sentimentalism. Silly romantic girl. You're an artist aren't you? Love that solitude, baby, LOVE IT! Fuck the world and its fake melodies and false honeymoons. The only thing you have is you and your art and your passion. Love is an illusion; romance nothing but a filthy hag in maiden's clothing; and friends? Friends have only held you back in the past - be glad that you're rid of them, be glad that you are free from the chains of human clingyness that bind those sad folk who are ever ensnarled in silly social circles -- Revel in your hard-won independence during this time of progress and of GLORY!!!

And the little me in the corner looks up from her laptop and responds meekly, "I know, I know, ...I'm trying." She shakes her head just-a-little and bites her lower lip nervously. Zoom into left eye: ultra close-up of a shadow of a tear just about to fall. Fade out.

~ Miss Pissed